IT'S A SLOW NEWS DAY

Sweet Jeepers, Fox News was right, that thing is terrifying. (HT: Fox News)

Seriously, that thing is scary.  It's called a Bathynomus giganteus and it apparently lives on the ocean floor and eats dead whale carcasses, dead squid carcasses, and leftovers from Davy Jones's locker.  I made that last part up.  Obviously none of this has anything to do with what I usually cover around here, but it's in the top 10 on Google's Hot Trends and I needed some hits today.  Nerds that like this sort of thing might stay for the Vanderbilt content, who knows.

There's really nothing of consequence going on in sports right now.  I'll probably watch the Final Four games and pull for Duke's bus to accidentally get lost and end up in the Yukon somewhere.  A lot of people are playing the "who's going and staying" game with Kentucky's freshmen, but I'm not going to worry about it until we get some kind of confirmation from an agent or the players themselves.  RAMPANT SPECULATION is for football, as far as I'm concerned.  On that same note, there are lots of blogs and bloggers out there talking about who'll be in uniform for Kentucky and to a lesser extent Vanderbilt.  This is not that blog.  That stuff takes a lot of time and effort, and I'm lazy.  Go join Rivals or something if you want that.  All you're getting here is giant crustaceans that try to eat remote controlled submarines until the Reds start playing and someone (CHIP COSBY) starts publishing something about spring football. 

COMING TO TERMS WITH LINKS

As usual, picture is not related.

Okay, let me get this out of the way first and then I'll talk links.  I watched the Kentucky game on Saturday, as did all of you I'm sure.  It wasn't really fun to watch, and not because Kentucky got beat, but because Kentucky did not play well.  They were clearly frustrated by West Virginia's 1-3-1 from the get-go and never really did figure it out.  I guess the plan was to try and shoot the Eers out of that zone, but no one could throw it in the ocean, so that backfired.  Meanwhile, Huggy's squad rained threes like they haven't done all season and the guy with a defective shoulder had the shooting and driving game of his freaking life.  Just like everyone (I think) said on Sunday, Kentucky picked the absolute worst time to play a bad game.  The loss sucks, but WVU deserved to win, and that's all.  It was a fun run, we got to watch some awesome basketball, and it beat the hell out of the NIT.  We matter again.  Yes, this team should have at least made it to the Final Four, but that was not to be.  Oh well, next season will be fun, too, I guarantee.

Now, links:

• Dimon's fighting the good fight and keeping up with spring football in Nashville.  Here's an article about Charlie Goro that doesn't actually say anything about Charlie Goro, which is actually the point, I think. [MORAL VICTORY!]
• I hate politics, but most people in Kentucky know that David Williams of the Kentucky Senate is a dick.  He can sleep well soon enough knowing that Joe B. will have garrotted him with fishing line before sunrise. [Herald Leader]
• This is not related to anything, but it's still funny despite the fact that The Office isn't all that funny anymore [Trip Advisor: Schrute Farms]
• Apparently Kentucky has a new defensive line coach.  I honestly can't remember who the last one was, but he was probably less passionate than this new guy, according to Larry Vaught.  Know who else was passionate?  Michael Jackson, but I don't want him coaching football.  [Advocate-Messenger]
• I guess spring baseball is happening.  It's been happening for a while.  Baseball, I mean.  Call me when the Reds get above .500.  [Red Reporter]

Just to warn you, I'll probably be pretty blah for a few more days.  I'm sure you understand.  The Reds are all I can hang on to right now, and that's like trying to hold a stick of butter in Singapore - why would you even try.

WALK OF SHAME DOESN'T REMEMBER

Whew, what a weekend, huh brahs?  I totally don't remember anything!  IT WAS SO EPIC!  I know there was some basketball on, but I got so trashed on Saturday afternoon starting at about 2 pm that I have NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED!  Pick a color and price point, liquor: I drank it!  Brown, white, green, blue, brown, clear, brown, brown and brown: I had them all!  The dude at the CVS down the street probably knows my name and date of birth by heart!  I have a trashcan full of broken glass, aluminum cans and vomit to prove it!

My hangover yesterday: ALSO EPIC!  Television was way too loud and color-y for me to be able to watch crappy movies on TNT.  Radio was also to loud and color-y to listen to, as were newspapers.  And you can FORGET about the internets.  Keyboards with their keys all clackity clack together?  My ears might have bled gallons of my own blood!  I have NO CLUE where my cell phone is, and thank goodness because if I heard it ring I would probably die.  It's probably in the trashcan, too, with all kinds of great text messages that are probably great material for Texts From Last Night!  My wife had left to go see her sister in Lexington by the time I woke up, and I was asleep again by the time she got home.  But it's Monday and I'm back at work somehow (UP TOP, BRAH!) and here are the E-tubes, so let's just see what I missed in the most awesome blackout benderific weekend EVAR.

Kentucky lost?  Shit.

CORNELL GOT OWNED

Well that was a lot of anxiety for nothing, wasn't it?  In the Big Red's defense, Kentucky's defensive effort in the first half was absolutely smothering.  Offense was not the Cats' concern, but keeping defenders out on the perimeter and denying, denying, denying passing lanes for all those motion-cuts that Cornell runs certainly was.  It was the most incredible defensive effort I've seen since Tubby's Suffocats, and that's really saying something.  Maybe Cornell just wasn't ready for it, but holding any team that's been averaging about 65% eFG to 38.5% eFG and just 45 points for the whole game is really, really impressive.  Yes, they took their foot off the gas a bit in the second half, but not so much that Kentucky wasn't still in control.  Great game by everyone who played, too.  Harris actually scored a field goal and played some real shut-down on Ryan Wittman.  Bledsoe picked up 12 points, a lot on late-game free throws, while staying in front of the only really athletic player on Cornell, Louis Dale.  Wall was Wall.  Patterson was Patterson.  How Cousins didn't get up and knock that Slav Jeff Foote's head off after he form tackled him to the floor, I don't know, but good job.

Next up is West Virginia.  I'm not nearly as worried about this game as I was the Cornell game because I think WVU is a lot like other teams Kentucky has played this year in the SEC.  They're big and athletic, and they have some pretty good shooters, but what they don't have is a very good point guard, and they don't have anyone who can match up with Cousins.  The square-off to watch, though, will probably be whoever guards Da'Sean Butler, be it Patterson or Miller.  That guy's good, and he's obviously clutch - I saw him hit two game winners two nights in a row in the Big East Tournament.  I think the Cats will grind this one out and win with better D than WVU might have seen this year.  GO CATS.

IT'S FINALLY HERE: THE CORNELL GAME

Actually, that Big Red is kind of scary.

It's game day, finally.  All week long we've been hearing stories about how different Kentucky and Cornell are, and how good Cornell is at shooting the ball, backdoor screens, and filing their own tax returns.  But tonight we'll finally see what those pasty white nerds are made of when they take the floor.  ASoB has been taking a few stabs at some statistical analysis, and the StatSheet game preview is right here.  Those numbers are actually kind of scary, but Pomeroy gives the Cats an 80% chance of a dub, so I'll take that all day.

You might remember a while back when I did a nerdy post about defensive effective field goal percentage, and how several statheads in college basketball think that might be the most telling statistic of how good a team actually is.  When you look at Kentucky today, they're third in the country in eFG defense at 43.1%.  That's really, really good, just behind some school called St. Peters and Temple.  Cornell's eFG defense is the worst of the remaining teams left in the tournament at 48.2%, which really isn't terrible.  It's just not good (for them).  The problem I'm having in relying on that statistic is that Temple is one of the best defensive teams in the country and Cornell beat them like Ike did Tina.  That leaves me to wonder whether that's a product of a poor A-10 conference (not likely) or that Cornell is just exceptionally efficient at putting the ball in the basket.  When I looked at Temple's scouting report at KenPom, it turns out they're very good defensively, but they haven't been that great at scoring.  That's not quite the same story for Wisconsin, but they don't play as well on the road and especially not in games that go over 60 possessions.  Kentucky plays almost 70 possessions per game even against the dreaded zone defense, which I think will bring Cornell out of their comfort zone assuming Kentucky is able to dictate the pace.

I'm thinking that it might be best to get back to basics.  Let's face it, both of these teams are going to score, and score a lot.  Kentucky presents a size and quickness problem that Cornell probably won't have seen since they lost to Kansas earlier in the year, so I have to believe that will limit Cornell in terms of field goal percentage.  It has to, right?  If the Cats can't close out on shooters on the perimeter, this will be a dangerous game.  What the Cats absolutely have to do is offensive rebound like we think they can and turn that into second chance points.  They also have got to do better from the line than they have so far in the tournament.  It hasn't mattered much in the last two games, but in a squeaker, free throws are always a really important statistic.  But defense is what's going to win this game in the end, and that's something Kentucky hasn't been getting enough credit for lately.  Kentucky has held 4 of its last 7 opponents under 40% eFG, and none have shot over 50% since the loss at Tennessee.  I know Cornell is shooting a ridiculous 65%+ in its last five games, but there's no way they can keep that up tonight against a much superior team in terms of athleticism, speed, quickness, and size.  I think if the Cats keep them around 50% they're going to win easily thanks to the offensive rebound statistic.

This is all posturing and hope, because I'm nervous about the game tonight and so are you.  So let's get really hammered and loud and that way we won't remember what happened til tomorrow morning, where a win will improve the hangover and the blow from a loss will be deadened by leftover blood alcohol content.  GO CATS!

A GUY NAMED ENES COMMITS TO KENTUCKY

He's getting ready for the jokes.

Well, I'm sure by now you've heard the news that Kentucky got a commit from 6'11" Turk Enes Kanter.  I know, that's two KSR links in one week!  I'll try to stop.  Anyway, this is a very good thing for Kentucky in that it should keep the size quotient high in the frontcourt, and he apparently has some really solid post skills.  The downside, of course, is going to be all the Enes jokes we'll hear for the next 2-4 years.  Let's get some of those out of the way, shall we?

• Enes Envy
• Kentucky's big Enes scores a double double
• Enes takes it to the hole
• Our Enes is bigger than yours
• There's an Enes on your roster
• Get your Enes off our Johnson (assuming there's another center somewhere with the last name Johnson)
• Enes is going down to the Cocks
• He has Enes fingers
• Put your Enes away, it's making us uncomfortable

That's about all I can think of right now, but we all know that more are coming.  All this assumes he's eligible to play, of course, as he's had some club experience or something over in Europe.  The general rule is that if it happened in Europe, it doesn't count, which is why Tiger Woods is trying so hard to make this year's Ryder Cup roster.  In any event, good pickup by the Cats.

VANDERBILT WEDNESDAY: THE RETURN!

What ho, there lads!  'Tis I, your cat correspondent, VanderKitty!  I apologise for my long absence, but some rubber interests in the south of the Malay peninsula required my undivided attention.  TO THINK, those brown fellows with their tattoos, slingshots and loinclothes wanted a wage increase to THREE CENTS PER WEEK!  Ghastly, I say!

In my absence, quite a bit has changed on the sporting front at the dear Alma Mater.  Forsooth, I feel it would be best to direct your attention to those who have been less engaged in upstart workers riots and more engaged in huzzah-ing for Dear Olde Vanderbilt:

• Our dear friend, Messr. Kendrick-Holmes, has been staying on top of all things gridiron, including his new panini press!  Here, Dear Dimon tells us that Zac Stacy and Warren Norman, two powerful mites if ever there were, are CHANGING THEIR NUMBERS!  ALL HAIL! [Moral Victory]
• The most noted antipodean on the Commodores' caging roster, Andrew James Ogilvy VII, appears to be drawing some jeers from the Vanderbilt faithful.  FOR SHAME! [The Sporting Line of Vanderbilt]
• Getting back to the footballers, Ryan Seymour and Adam Smotherman have found themselves injured during spring gridiron practices.  I attended boarding school in Switzerland with Adam's cousin, Winston Suffocatewoman! [The Sporting Line, once more!]
• Many around the Global Internet Web are beginning to recognize Warren Norman as perchance the best running back in the State of Tennessee.  Set your sights higher, my Warren!  THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER! [Gilded Anchor]
• Truly, this is a grave matter: dear Vanderbilt may be facing difficulties with Title IX due to its burgeoning footballing roster.  WOMEN HAVE NO PLACE IN FOOTBALL, SIR! [AP]

Gentlemen and ladies, that will be all for now.  I must be off, for there is a fine Macanudo and a snifter of Scotland's finest waiting for me in my smoking lounge.  CONQUER AND PREVAIL!

CORNELL IS COMING TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

A typical Cornell student.

So, predictably, Earth is on the side of the Cornell Big Red for Thursday's matchup against the Cats.  I'll admit, if they were playing Kansas again, or Duke (definitely Duke) or Syracuse or anyone else, I'd be pulling for them, too.  But they're not, so screw them.  Meanwhile, here are some links to stuff that talks about how great Cornell is, how they've really got a chance against the Cats, etc., etc.  I'll get to actual, you know, numbers and whatnot tomorrow.

• Big Red's Foote says his team's played teams like Kentucky before.  That's kind of true, and kind of not. [Dimemag via BSB]
• What's Lil' Red have to say about all this? [EDSBS, and it's unrelated]
• Remembering Mark "Every Night is Senior Night" Coury.  I have no idea how he ever ended up on our roster. [NYTimes]
• Prepare to see a lot more of these David/Goliath, Brains/Ballers BS comparisons over the next few days. [The Dagger]
• A look at Cornell's motion offense - be prepared, THERE ARE DIAGRAMS. [BSB]
• WOOOOAAHOHO, LOOK OUT FOR CORNELL [ESPN's wet dream]
• At least someone's not insane, and picks the Cats. [The Dagger]

Enjoy those.  Get familiar.  We'll see what happens on Thursday.

CHASE EXPLOSION

Very drab prison, or law school?  YOU DECIDE!

First, I'll admit to getting this info third-hand from Matt "Too Cool for Law School" Jones, who is actually a lawyer.  He linked over to a story at Above the Law (the blog, not the 1980's rap group) about a Chase College of Law professor/associate dean who basically bitched out some 1L (first year) law students for checking their phones and/or laptops for updates (or, more likely, video feed) of Kentucky's first round game against the East Tennessee Buhhh....Buccaneers?  Is that what they were?  It seems so long ago.  Anyway, I thought I'd chime in on the subject, given that I'm a Kentucky fan who is obsessed with the NCAA Tournament that also happened to attend law school at Chase.

I never had a class with Professor Rosenthal, or Rosy, as he was typically called behind his back.  But half of my class did, and the universal opinion of Rosy was/is that he's a smug asshole.  That he would schedule a meaningless professionalism seminar during the NCAA Tournament is not surprising to me at all.  I also happen to know that these things are freaking mandatory, which is stupid, and that they're the most boring hour and a half you'll ever spend in your life if you're forced to attend one.  And that includes actual classes in law school.  Anyone who attended that or any other "professionalism seminar" in the last several years will not be able to tell you a thing about the speakers, content, or color of the carpet in that so-called auditorium because it's 90 minutes of your life that you want to forget or figure out how to get back.  So to the guys that said "F this, I'm watching the game on my iPhone," bravo to you.  Law, in my opinion, is often times about how to get out of or around situations that seem difficult or impossible, and that's a job well done, class of 2012.

Next, a short F-YOU to the commenters at Above the Law who seem to think that unless you went to Yale or Stanford, you don't deserve to practice.  It's elitist assholes like you that make people hate the profession and treat attorneys like they have two heads when approached by one in a professional capacity.  If it weren't for "dregs" like us, shit wouldn't get done anywhere by anyone.  Really, Yalies?  You want to handle this debt collection action for a late payment on a $2,700.00 car loan?  Of course you don't.  Kiss my ass, you over-privileged snobs (I don't care if that's redundant) or go sign up at the local DPA.

WALK OF SHAME: IMMA BEE

You were expecting Fergie, weren't you?

Well, the first two rounds are in the books and here's what we know: Islam is taking over college basketball (not really), the single-digit seeds for this tournament weren't really all that good, and the Big East is kind of a joke this season.  Of the eight (EIGHT!) Big East teams that got pulled in, two are left.  That's double the attrition rate of the SEC, with two teams left.  

Before I get to links, let's talk Kentucky for a second.  Damn.  I was honestly a little concerned about playing Wake on Saturday night because they seemingly had some good ingredients to beat the Cats, those being a tiny but fast point guard and an asshole for a center designed to mess with DeMarcus's head.  However, we quickly learned that Ish Smith is not Devan Downey even on a bad day, and that DeMarcus took Chas McFarland's mind games with a "child please" en route to kicking the freakin' tar out of the Demon Deacons.  I'll be honest, I knew this team was good, but the first two games in the tournament showed an offense that really could've hit 100+ both nights and some absolute lockdown defense.  They haven't looked this good all season.  It's incredible.  Big props to Darius Miller, one of my favorites, for 20 points on Saturday, Bledose's MONSTER dunk, and of course the three heard 'round the world from none other than KREBS.  On, on, to the links:

• TIGER TIGER TIGER TIGER TIGER TIGER TIGER TIGER. Check this girl out if you like golf, though, she's on top of it. [Wei Under Par]
• I'll get into this a bit more later this week, but here's something about Cornell to tide you over. [The Dagger]
• Our good friends at VSL ruminate on their second consecutive first round exit in as many seasons.  Still tough to digest. [VSL]
• I actually like this guy who writes for SBNation, but this does not make sense. [Jon Bois]
• This is probably the most recent take on the Tubby-to-Auburn rumors.  I like the idea of another quality coach in the league, but this probably won't happen.  Too bad. [Some Newspaper]
• Bear grills. [RoboShark]

I know it's going to be hard for us to make it through three whole days without NCAAT basketball, but fear not, citizens.  THE NIT IS STILL ON!  Okay, I don't care about that either.  Booze will have to do for the time being.

TOURNEYGASM RECAP: DAY UNO

That's 8:30 CENTRAL, a-holes.  (via delete the adjectives)

So Day 1 of the NCAA Tournament gave Day 2 a lot to live up to.  Three games went to overtime, one of them to double overtime.  2-time NCAA Champion (or Chompion, if you're a douche) Florida gave up almost 40 to a goofy white Mormon named Jimmer in its first round exit.  As noted in the post below (and in the writhing anguish in the Vanderbilt corner of the blogosphere), the 'Dores played like crap and lost to Murray State on a last second shot.  Washington beat Marquette on a last second Quincy Pondexter layup.  Texas shat the bed and let a little speedy guy from Wake Forest hit a last second jumper in OT to lose.  Ohio actually kind of dominated Georgetown.  Notre Dame lost, which warms the cockles of my English protestant heart.  

I actually really like Irish people, Irish bars, Irish music, Irish accents, Irish booze and Ireland in general.  And the vast majority of my friends, this being Louisville, are catholic.  But I freaking hate Notre Dame fans.  It's like if you're a catholic they're automatically your favorite team even though you didn't go there, no one you know went there, and you've never been to that flat Indiana trash heap called South Bend.  It's stupid.

Anyway, getting back to actual basketball, I suppose I should mention the Kentucky game.  First, the television gods in Louisville clearly hate Kentucky basketball and Kentucky fans, because this is the second time this season they've just decided not to air the first five or ten minutes of a game and then blamed it on some satellite problem at the home office up in New York or something.  I call bullshit.  Second, the actual game itself.  It was actually more of a practice, wasn't it?  I mean that was an ass-pounding of Federal proportions.  To ETSU's credit, they played hard until the horn sounded, but once Bledsoe started hitting threes and Patterson asserted himself for a few minutes in the first half, the game was over.  I like blowouts, but I'll understand if you lost interest and switched over to the more interesting Northern Iowa game.  One thing to note, though, was Orton really kicking ass until he fell and dropped an F-bomb on national TV.  That was funny, but I hope he's okay.

The Dirty Birds play tonight, and that's all you really need to know.  Live coverage on the tubes starts around 12:30, so put that booze in a Subway cup and commence the office drinking basketballpalooza.  Have a good weekend!

MURRAY STATE THRUSTS A KNIFE INTO MR. C'S HEART

That, dear friends, is a dagger.  It probably looks quite similar to the one that Danero Thomas just shoved between the collective rib cage of Vanderbilt fans everywhere when he hit the gamewinner with no time left on the clock in Vanderbilt's first round game against Murray State today.  Vandy pretty much played below average, and Murray State played really well.  Really tough first round loss for the Commodores, and a sour way to end the season.  Best of luck next year, Commies.

Kentucky plays tonight at 7:15 in New Orleans.  Let's hope they learn something from this.

VANDERBILT WINS AT TUITION

All your West brackets are belong to Vanderbilt! (via The Awl)

Not much to say about today's games that I didn't say yesterday.  Get all your work done before 1pm so you can watch basketball at home/on your computer/on your FloTV if you're one of the jackasses that has one of those.  Go Cats, go Dores, and go waste your employer's money!

PREDICTABLE REACTIONS TO THE PRESIDENT'S "BARACKET"

Via The Dagger.

El Presidente de los Estados Unidos is going to unveil his complete bracket today at noon on ESPN.  He's already unveiled his Final Four picks, and yes, Cats fans, Kentucky is in the mix.  Unlike some Kentucky bloggers, I stay away from politics around here (and in general, really) because it shouldn't have any place in sports, even though it inevitably does on various levels.  Anyway, here's my predictions for AMERRICUH'S reaction to Barry O's 2010 NCAA Baracket:

• HE PAID WAY TOO MUCH ATTENSHUN TO THE LEFT SAAAHHD!
• Really, Georgetown?
• HOW CAN BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA MAKE A BRACKET BUT CAIN'T PRODUCE HIS BIRF CERTIFICATE?
• How many upsets is he going to pick?
• AH BET HE HOPES HE CAN CHANGE THAT TEMPLE-CORNELL PICK!
• Seriously, every 12 beating every 5?  That's a little ridiculous.
• HE'S EVEN LEFT HAINDED!  OH MAH GAWD!
• LESSGO DUMP SOME TEA INTO DA POTOMAC!

You're welcome. USA! USA!

ST. PATRICK'S DAY BRACKET BREAKDOWN

Obviously I'm not going to talk about all 32 first round games because I don't have time and there are lots of other places you can go for that.  If you're a nerd and like logarithms, check out ASoB's log5 bracket predictions for all 64 teams, courtesy of Ken Pomeroy.  Meanwhile, let's talk Kentucky/ETSU and Vandy/Murray State.

First game's first, and Vanderbilt plays the Racers at 2:30 EDT tomorrow somewhere out west.  Anchor of Gold has done a really good job of breaking down Murray State, players and coach included.  Know this, Commies compatriots: the Racers are not to be taken lightly.  You'll have seen this elsewhere, I'm sure, but they've got five or six guys who average in double figures.  Pomeroy only gives the Dores a 60% chance of winning, which is nice but not as high as we'd like.  The Racers are an exceedingly efficient team on both offense and defense.  They turn it over a bit too much, something the Commies will have to capitalize on, but they also get those back pretty well, too.  No, they're not particularly tall, but it hasn't stopped them so far.  Vanderbilt is going to really have to focus because if Murray State's hitting shots, it will be a tough row to hoe for the Dores.

Because Kentucky is a one seed, their first round matchup is much easier, going against the East Tennessee State University Pirates or Buccaneers, or some other scurvy-type mascot with no business being in the middle of the Smoky Mountains.  Let's face it, they don't have a chance.  If Pomeroy says UK's chances of winning are 94%, then there's really no point in breaking down a team that lost to Mercer, Stetson (a MAN'S COLOGNE IF EVER ONE THERE WAS), and Chattanooga in the same season.  The Buckos will die a fiery death, et spiritui sancti, forever and ever, amen.  This will be a nice way for the Cats to get some stretching and practice in before facing backsliding Texas and Tim Duncan-less Wake Forest.

WALK OF SHAME: SEC TOURNAMENT

No explanation needed.

Man, what a weekend.  Blue everywhere in Nashville.  It was ridiculous.  Even more ridiculous?  DeMarcus's tip-in with no time on the clock to force overtime yesterday in the Championship game.  I've never seen anything like it.  I bruised the shit out of my knee because I was jumping and constantly hitting my knee on the seat in front of me.  It was amazing.

I'm really busy today at work (read: filling out brackets and digesting haterade) so some links will have to do.  I'll get into Kentucky and Vandy's first round matchups later this week fo sho:

• My new Twitter buddy Eric Adams waxes about Vandy's semifinal loss to Mississippi State.  It was not a fun game to watch. [Dore Posts]
• A look from a Kentucky fan's perspective (one who was not actually there) at SEC Tourney weekend. [Wildcat Whisperer]
• A user's guide to filling out your office brackets.  Pay no mind to the ratty-faced guy with the net in his hand. [The Dagger]
• For some reason, everyone thinks Kentucky is going to lose in the Tournament because of youth and inexperience.  These are the same people who thought Kentucky would really struggle to win games this season because of youth and inexperience.  PERSPECTIVE: BROUGHT. [The Dagger]
• And the obligatory West region preview, where Vandy gets the same "ripe for an upset" treatment as Kentucky does.  Come on, 'Dores, prove them wrong. [The Dagger]
• Wow, there were a lot of Dagger links in there.  I'll have to do something about that.  Here's a link to a picture of a kangaroo knocking the shit out of some hippie photographer.  That's better. [RoboShark]

Happy tournament banter season, all.  We'll talk about ways to waste the last two days of this week later on.  It'll be fun.

WOOOHOOO! ROOLLLLL TAAAAHHHHHDDD!!!

You could fit two or even three Devan Downeys in there.

Per somebody without a name (Prince?) at ESPN and my wife who is obviously not working as hard as I am today, the shit finally hit the fan for South Carolina and Kentucky will face the much less scary Crimson Tide in tomorrow's quarterfinal matchup.  I'm glad.  Sounds like Downey doesn't hit the same ungodly shots against SEC West teams as he does against Vandy and UK, as he didn't score in the last 13 or so minutes, including at least two airballs.  Mightymouse was a good player, and I'm sad to see him go.

BETTER NEWS: UT is sucking ass, with Wayne Chism having scored all 9 of their points against LSU with eight minutes to play in the first half.  The Bayou Bengals, unfortunately, have not capitalized and have only put up 14 points of their own.  Come on, Tigers - VOLS BLEAUX!  (Sorry, I know I said I wouldn't do that anymore.)

IT'S TOURNEY TIME

Not that kind of tourney, unless, you know, that's your thing.

That's right, boys and girls, the moment we've kind of been waiting for to tide us over before the NCAA Tournament starts, the 2010 SEC Men's Basketball Tournament!  The official SEC bracket is here (it's a .pdf).  I won't try to regale you with insight into matchups or whatever because we know what teams actually have a good chance to win: Kentucky, Vanderbilt, and Tennessee.  Mississippi State, Ole Miss, and Florida absolutely must make it out of their opening games or their slim chances at making the Dance are zeroed out.  

Remember earlier, like two sentences ago, when I said I wouldn't regale you with insight into matchups?  I lied.  Kentucky's first game is tomorrow at 1pm EST against the winner of the South Carolina/Alabama game.  That's a tough one to pick, really, because it depends on which South Carolina shows up.  Is it the one that beat Kentucky and Vanderbilt this year, or is it the one that lost like six games in a row?  Alabama's got a closing problem, so they're just as likely to cough it up as the Cocks are.  I don't really have a preference for which team I'd rather see Kentucky play, but I guess I'd take Bama over Carolina because I don't want the guards to be worn out from guarding Downey assuming they make it into the semis on Saturday.

Vanderbilt gets the winner of Georgia/Arkansas.  I honestly couldn't tell you who was going to win that game either, but I think the Dores would rather play the Hogs at 9:45 tomorrow night than the Dawgs, if only because Georgia is so damn pesky and the Hogs are pretty much feast or famine.  Assuming they win the first round, the Dores will take on the Mississippi State/Florida winner (the Gators are beating the Tigs, come on).  Dores fans would probably rather take on Florida again than relive the Jarvis Varnado nightmare they had during the regular season, but it's an iffy proposition.  Vandy definitely got the better end of the draw this year, in my opinion, because there isn't a single ranked opponent on their half of the bracket.  CONSPIRACY!

Tennessee got totally screwed, hahaha, in that they didn't get a bye even though they're better than every team on the Western side of the bracket.  They play LSU in the first round though, which might as well be a bye.  Then they play Ole Miss.  Ole Miss needs to bring everything they've got in that game because if they lose there's no way they make the tournament.  UT is way better than Ole Miss, so unless Scotty Hopson and Wayne Chism go out after tonight's game and hold up another gas station or have an armored clambake in a Prius, UT will probably win.  That puts them in the semis against UKgoddammit.  I really didn't want to have to play them again.

Since I'm going to the tournament and the UT/Ole Miss game is right after the Kentucky game, I'm totally buying an Admiral Ackbar costume for that game.  The Vols will never see it coming.  Go Cats, go Dores, and go to Nashville this weekend, it's going to be a blast.

CALIPARI'S MUSTANG VS. BROOKS'S F-150: WHO YA GOT?

WHO YA GOT?

RICH BROOKS F-150

PROS:

• Like a rock Built Ford Tough
• Toby Keith Envy
• Has a man-step
• Great for hauling tomatoes
• Definitely not bullshit

CONS:

• Might fall asleep in transit
• Gas mileage? What gas mileage?
• Might leave you wistful for days gone by
• OnStar is not included, but a MedAlert Personal Emergency Response is
• Somehow always ends up in Tennessee after Christmas

JOHN CALIPARI SIGNATURE ROUSH 427 MUSTANG

PROS:

• You won't have any problem recruiting...the ladies
• Black and blue paint job will confuse any Lexington cop
• Guaranteed to produce better results than your last drunken asshole of a car did
• Bruce Pearl hates it
• Will win lots more races than you think it will

CONS:

• Might take off and leave you with all those ladies you picked up in it
• May or may not be responsible for traffic violations that you were previously unaware of
• Even though you managed to score with 10 ladies over the past few weeks, will remind you that five of those didn't count
• Paint colors are sneakily similar to those of the Orlando Magic
• Sandy Bell is omnipresent in the back seat

That's the tale of the tape, kids.  COMMENTERS, F-150 vs. MUSTANG: WHO YA GOT?

SOMETHING DIFFERENT: HUMAN FIREBALL

OMFG! Actual sports related photo! LMFAO!

Not much to talk about sports-wise today (although if that's what you're looking for then there are reports out of Goodyear, AZ that some new Reds pitcher is throwing some serious heat) because the SEC regular season is over and the conference tournament doesn't start until Thursday, or for those of us with byes, Friday.  I got tickets, by the way.  No, your jealousy is not flattering.

Anyway, since no one's got a game for a few days, I thought I'd take a look at actual events happening on campus.  Oh, hey, look at that, the SAE's at UK won the annual "Light Someone on Fire and Then Assault Cops-A-Thon"!  Those crazy kids these days, what will they think of next?  In my grandparents' day it was "how many kids can you stuff in a phone booth", then with my parents it was "stuff a flower in the National Guard's M16s", with my friends it was "look how far I can throw this mattress off the roof" and now it's "wrap up your buddy in toilet paper and turn him into the Human Flame".  Evolution of dance has nothing on college students!

Seriously, that is really, really stupid.  I did a lot of stupid things in college, but it takes more than just booze and your frat bros to incite you to light your friend on fire.  I could get all high and mighty and say "well, that's an SAE for you" but I don't have much frame of reference because they kind of sucked while I was in school.  And only an idiot hits a Lexington cop.  Those guys have a Napoleon complex like you wouldn't believe, and are just DYING to pop a college kid with a flashlight if given the opportunity.  So talking shit and then taking a swing at one probably isn't going to make your day.  Best wishes to the kid who got lit on fire, and SAE gets what's coming to them for something stupid like that.

WALK OF SHAME: SPRING IS COMING

That handbag does NOT go with those shoes.

So it wasn't exactly a glorious weekend for readers of this blog who stayed in and watched basketball.  Vanderbilt got beat at home by Mighty Mouse and his merry band of ne'er-do-wells from South Carolina.  Tennessee absolutely crushed Mississippi State in Starkville.  Kentucky didn't exactly play inspired basketball on Senior + Patrick Patterson Day, but it was good enough to win.  Camillo Villegas didn't look totally ridiculous when he won the Honda Classic yesterday.  That doesn't have anything to do with Kentucky or Vanderbilt, but it's still true.  Link on:

• Not sure if you've been following this at all (it's been going on for a while) but Ole Miss is trying to find something to replace the venerable Col. Reb as their mascot and the leader in the clubhouse is Admiral Ackbar.  You know, the fish-head guy from Star Wars who knows a trap when he sees one.  Taiwan (yes, the whole country) made a video to catch you up to speed if you happen to speak Chinese. [EDSBS]
• Patrick Patterson isn't coming back next year, I think that's pretty obvious.  Brian Bennett, who used to write for the Courier Journal but now blogs or something for ESPN, does a nice story on PPat's Kentucky career. [MONOLITH]
• My buddy and yours, Douglas James, wants you to lay off A.J. Ogilvy - he's got feelings, too, you know. [VSL]
• I'm from Louisville but I hate UofL so the whole "last game in Freedom Hall" thing was sort of important but in a snarky way for me.  The damn Quads beat Syracuse like a drum in the second half on Saturday, btw.  Anyway, here's a missive on the importance or something of that barn out off I-65.  I think it's spot on, but the comments are more than entertaining. [Jon Bois]
• I know it's the most important part of basketball season, and the Reds are trying to kill me, but here's kind of an old post examining the Reds' offseason moves going into spring training.  Try to restrain yourselves. [RED REPORTER]

Have a nice Monday, people-weeples.

UGH, GATORS.

This has nothing to do with basketball, but dammit it's funny. HT: Warming Glow.

Kentucky's Senior/Junior/Not Gonna Be Here Next Season Night/Day/Late Morning is on Sunday, with tipoff at noon.  Lexington's parsons, priests and pastors would be distressed and upset with this infringement upon God's holy sermon schedule, but they're too busy trying to find tickets and buying Mark Krebs t-shirts.  We play Florida.  I really, really hate Florida.  But the Gators are probably more than a little interested in the outcome of the game because it sort of, you know, determines whether they'll be dancing or slumming it in the NIT again.  Given their recent track record, the NIT is a probability.  Vanderbilt took the Alligators' best shot on Tuesday and won anyway. Kentucky beat them pretty handily earlier in the season, too.  So what's there to worry about, other than losing the game, an outright SEC regular season title, and a potential #1 seed in the NCAAT?

A quick take on the matchups: Walker and Boynton are good, but as we (more likely I) saw on Wednesday and Thursday, a single guy can guard them, and Wall and Bledsoe/Liggins/whoever else at the 2 can stop anyone when they care enough.  I expect Cousins to guard Macklin, who's getting more assertive these days but come on, it's Cousins.  Tyus is sort of an x-factor but Patrick has played otherworldly lately so screw balding Predator on that one.  Finally, since it's Ramon's Senior Day, he'll probably be in charge of Parsons or Werner who sucks, so as long as those guys are zeroed out, Ramon wins.

I get to go to this one, but any hope of pre-drinking before the game and Senior festivities is probably shot because Lexington thinks beer and Sundays go together like Oprah and a treadmill.  Go Cats, anyway.

VANDY V. CHICKENS

The first thing that comes up when you google "vandy chicken."  Sans pickles, I approve.

My distaste for the University of South Carolina is going to tinge this post.  Actually, the post would have been tinged anyway because, hey, look who's writing it.  Anyway, the Commodoringtons round out the regular season on Saturday in Memorial against the Gamecocks.  I don't like them.  They're a good team...

/checks USC Jr. schedule

...wait no they're not.  Losing record in conference?  Check.  Owners of a six game losing streak, including a really bad home loss Wednesday night against Alabama?  Check.  11% chance of winning their last regular season game?  Check.  Come on, Dores, do your worst and put Devan Mightymouse Downey out of his misery.  Vanderbilt handily beat the Cocks on their home floor, which I think might be a file warehouse for a bank, back in January.  You know the drill, now get the job done.  

Oh, and some Vandy-dandy links:

• Dimon addresses those whiny Vandy fans who can't understand why VU football can't do what VU basketball does.  He also questions my loyalty.  Touche, Messr. Twolastnames.
• Vandy's official unofficial whatever blogger Justin Barca breaks down the SEC Tournament seeding and schedule.  Thankfully he doesn't go Joe Dean, Jr. on us and explain that 1 and 2 might meet in the championship if they win all their games.
• That John Jenkins fellow sure is swell, by golly.  Anchor of Gold likes him enough to grace him with an official nickname (Threesus - get out your Bibles, divinity students), one that I probably won't use because names are like labels, the Nazis made flair for the Jews to wear, and nobody puts Baby in a corner.  What?
• Our friend Eric at Dore Posts got him some new non-Blogger network digs, so you should check it out.

Enjoy the game Saturday, kiddos.

CATS SHOOT, CATS WIN

 

Darnell Dodson from behind the arc last night.

That really sums it up.  Dodson shot 50% behind the arc, everyone else shot it pretty well, and the Cats won going away.  A really good defensive effort certainly helped.  That Price guy was a pain in the ass and the white guy made some stupid threes, but victory was never in doubt once halftime came around.  Oh, and glad to see that Jon Hood got all that playing time after asking Cal to put him in more.  42 seconds is your reward, Hoodie.

The remainder of this post is going to be used to bitch about the SEC Network.  What's different about it compared to JP Sports, the uninformed might ask?  ESPN graphics and a shittier satellite, that's what.  Joe Dean, Jr. is still talking out of his ass.  Dave Neal is still competent at play-by-play.  But the actual broadcast is freaking terrible.  I missed almost the entire first half and had to watch some manufactured medical drama with castoffs from Gossip Girl and a ghost whisperer before basketball actually came on TV.  WAVE-3 tried to crawl an apology during the game itself, but it came across as "HOW DARE YOU CALL US TO COMPLAIN WHEN WE CAN'T BROADCAST SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING!  THE GALL!"  So in sum, go jump off a bridge, SEC Network.  You suck.

JIMMY DYKES CALLS A CHILI COOKOFF

 

THAT'S SMILE CONSISTENCY.

BRAD NESSLER: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this year's SEC Basketball Chili Cookoff in Music City, USA.  All the big chili fans are out in force here, and the big SEC chili cooks are ready to give them what they want.  I'm Brad Nessler alongside Jimmy Dykes, and we're ready for some chili action!

JIMMY DYKES: That's right, Brad, and it looks like they're going to get started right away!  Over here in this square area is Chef Kevin Stallings.  He likes to use a lot of chili powder and peppers for POWER, and that's where he gets his points.  I like to call that area the POWER HOT ZONE!  That's because he makes hot chili, and that's where his points come from when the judges score him!  POWER HOT ZONE, Brad.

BRAD:  Uh, thanks, Jimmy.  Up next, we've got Chef Rotnei Clark.

JIMMY: Yeah, Brad, I was watching Clark warm up his chili pot this morning to prepare for the cookoff.  One thing you'll notice about him is that in warming up and during competition he is very consistent with the number of beans he puts in his chili.  THAT'S BEAN CONSISTENCY, Brad.  He always uses the same amount of BEANS!  BEAN CONSISTENCY!!

BRAD: Sure thing, Jimmy.  Over at Table 12 there's Chef John "Chili" Calipari.  You've got some experience being in his shoes, don't you, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Well, I don't know if I'd call it that, Brad.  I'd never say I know what it's like to be Chili Calipari, but I did sleep on Adolph Rupp's couch once!

BRAD:  ...um, what?

JIMMY:  I slept on Adoph Rupp's couch once.

BRAD: /dead silence

JIMMY: It smelled like gym socks and WINNING, I'll tell you that much, Brad!

BRAD:.................Ooohhhhkay, moving on to our next contestant, Chef Ramon Harris.  He's struggled to impress the judges.

JIMMY: Yeah, I know Chef Harris is good at fending off other competitors, but really, Brad, the thing that limits him is that he's a NON-POURER.  He can shut down other chili chefs, but he just can't get the chili into the bowl when he gets the opportunity.  NON-POURER!!!

BRAD: Really, Jimmy?  Non-pourer?  You're trying to make that a catch phrase?

JIMMY: NON-POURER, Brad.  All the scouts are saying it.

BRAD: What scouts?  This is a chili cookoff.

JIMMY:  Oh there are scouts.  AND, I talk to them on a regular basis.  THAT'S TALK CONSISTENCY, Brad.

BRAD:  Seriously?  That's what you came up wi--WOAH, look at Chef Jodie Meeks go after that ground beef!  He's using that meat cleaver like it's a scalpel!

JIMMY:  He sure is, Brad!  Meeks is so good because when he gets a meat cleaver in his hands, he makes VIOLENT CUTS with the knife.  Those CUTS, they're so VIOLENT that no one can stop him!  VIOLENT CUTS!!!

BRAD:  Oh hell.

FLORIDA LOSES. GEORGIA, YOU'RE NEXT.

Hard to hate on that.

Vanderbilt showed some actual toughness on the road last night in a tight win over Florida.  Jenkins had a real coming-out party (not that kind of coming out party), hitting six threes and making a couple nice defensive plays.  A.J. got pretty aggressive, which was good to see, although Vernon Macklin made him his bitch a few times.  Wasn't counting on that.  In the end, Florida was pretty cold from outside and that was their undoing despite holding a pretty solid lead for a chunk of the second half.  Second place is all but assured for the Commies now, barring a late collapse from our beloved Wahhhhldcayuts.

Speaking of which, Los Gatos Locos are heading down to Athens tonight to play the toughest losing team ever, Los Perros Toros.  One of my favorite things is putting Spanish words into normal English dialogue.  It drives my wife crazy.  My dad does it all the time, too.  My mom tries to do it, but it mostly turns into English words with -O at the end, like "truck-o" and "horse-o".  It gets funnier if you're drinking.  Anyway, the Dawgs played the Cats scary close at Rupp earlier this season, so there's reason for some consternation by the Kentucky faithful.  That gets worse when you realize that Trey Thompkins is a load in the paint and really gets after it, and that Leslie guy turns into a poor man's Devan Downey on occasion.  I think Cousins is going to have a better time with Thompkins this time around, but he'll have to play smart.  All that sort of goes away if Kentucky breaks its awful perimeter shooting streak, which has been the subject of a lot of conversation around the inter-tubes since Saturday's loss to Tennessee.

Georgia's tough.  The Cats really don't need another league loss, because it would put them in a tie with Vandy for 1st and even though we own the tiebreaker, it's still not cool.  If Kentucky concentrates for the entire 40 minutes, something they haven't done often this year, they'll win.  If not, then the damn Florida game on Sunday gets a lot more important.  Come on, Cats, you shouldn't have waited so long to clinch the league.  Get your act together.  VAMANOS!

I GOT NOTHING

Vandy plays in Gainesville tonight against the Gators.  I hate the Gators.  That little gym they play in is a joke.  "OOoooohhhh, it's so intimidating in there!"  There are bigger high school gyms, man.  Joke.  Jerry O'Connell should be pissed they named a building after him.

Florida tries to beat teams with runs toward the basket and some perimeter shooting.  They have three guys who can stroke it (haha, stroke it) from outside in Parsons, Walker and Boynton.  None of those three are ever hot at the same time, though, so if Vandy can find the hot hand early, they'll be okay.  Florida will then try to give it to Alex Tyus's receding hairline.  Tyus will wildly throw himself toward the basket and either a) get fouled, b) keep running out of bounds, c) throw up a shot over the top of the backboard, or d) fall down.  Notice that the possibility of scoring points is almost nowhere to be found in any of those scenarios.  The Dores should win this one, but it will not be easy.  They'll have to show up and take off their warmups, which is harder than it sounds.  Go Dores!  KILLLLL THE GATORS.

WALK OF SHAME: 50/50

I'll be honest, I'm exhausted from a long weekend in Dayton, OH of all places, so this post is going to be short.  Good news first: Vanderbilt pounded the hell out of the Hogs in Fayetteville on Saturday afternoon to firm up their stranglehold on 2nd in the East (and really, the whole league).  I didn't watch the game, so you'll have to rely on the guys at VSL, Anchor of Gold, and Eric at Dore Posts for actual reviews, and, you know, content.

Bad news: I watched Kentucky suck it up in Knoxville.  Make no mistake, the Cats had no business winning that game.  The Vols capitalized on stupid turnovers, shredded Kentucky's transition "defense" and somehow managed to avoid fouling out anyone who was actually important (read: not Kenny Hall).  Kentucky missed 20 three pointers.  20.  You don't miss 20 threes and win, you just don't.  No one played all that well except for Patrick Patterson and Wall in some spots.  Darius Miller tried to take the game over in the last five minutes and almost pulled it off until he saw a shiny penny on the baseline with about a minute to do and turned the ball over.  That pretty much lost the game, but I really don't blame Darius.  Without him, we wouldn't have even been in that position.  

The Cats shot like shit and that's why they lost.  Big picture?  Nothing really changes.  Assuming Kentucky wins out and makes it to the SECT finals (which they should), the #1 seed is still firmly in place.  Lose to Georgia this week in Athens, well, things change a little.  Then they really have to do well in the SECT to keep that seed.  Lucky for Kentucky, Kansas lost, too, as did former projected 1 seed Purdue.  Syracuse killed Villanova, though, so they probably improved their position.  All is not lost, Cats fans.  I think Kentucky rebounds nicely from the L and keeps up their dominating fashion to close out the season.