VANDERBILT AT KENTUCKY: BANTER!

 

That guy kind of looks like Cornelius Vanderbilt.

I've mentioned a few times this week that the guys at Vanderbilt Sports Line and I were going to engage in some good, old-fashioned HATE before tomorrow's tip.  We did, via email.  But you won't find it on this page.  As much as I would love to have all the hits and comments on this blog and URL, the fact is that VSL actually has readers that comment on their posts, and the only people that comment at ABG are VSL readers and bloggers and chinese pornoviagra salesmen.  So go here NOW to get your war on with the Commodore faithful.  I promise, it's going to be fun.

VANDERBILT AT KENTUCKY: CHARTS!

The whole witty-repartee thing is coming, I promise.  But first, some actual analysis of tomorrow's game at 4PM in Lexington, ESPN.  Vanderbilt, as we all know, is fond of finding white guys from Kentucky that the Cats didn't want or recruit, shutting them in a room with a pop-a-shot and removing them twice a year when they play Kentucky.  A couple guys on their roster fit that bill in Jordan Smart (Lex Cath) and Aaron Noll (Cov Cath), who collectively have played 30 minutes and scored 2 points the entire season.  Watch tomorrow as they both start and go for 15 apiece, all of them deep threes.

Statistically speaking, since 1980 Vandy's only beaten UK 15 times while the Cats have won 47.  Obviously, that does not matter at all, but it's fun to look at.  The chart looks like this PacMan, see?

College Basketball Stats by StatSheet.com

In all seriousness, the key to victory tomorrow for Kentucky will have to be rebounding. The numbers say that the Cats are the best offensive rebounding team in the country, but South Carolina begs to differ. If the Cats control the boards, they win the game, pure and simple. Vanderbilt will make shots, that is for sure. Jermaine Beal is a good guard, but he's not like Devan Downey in that one of our young guys can't stay in front of him. I think Cousins, Orton, and Patterson will be able to body up pretty well with anyone the Commodores have in the paint, including Tchiengang, Ogilvy, and Ezeli, but what you have to watch out for is how those guys move without the ball; they're good at that. Jeffery Taylor will also be a fun matchup to watch, as either Patterson or Miller will probably have their hands full trying to hang with him, depending on the lineup.

College Basketball

I'm going to the game tomorrow with my wife, who in case you forgot, went to Vanderbilt. It is never a comfortable game for either of us because I'm a blatant Kentucky fan who cheers when the other team gets a tech or makes a stupid foul or misses a free throw. She doesn't really like it when I do that for teams that AREN'T Vanderbilt, and she REALLY hates it when that team IS Vanderbilt. So that should be a great ride home after the game, no matter who wins. She's actually a pretty good sport for the most part, but I really do hope Kentucky pounds the Dores into the floor tomorrow. Go Cats!

NOTES BEFORE THE SITE-POCALYPSE

Listen up, maggots.

Alright, before this site collapses on itself in a fit of fury over tomorrow's game, some quick notes:

• This is what happens when most Kentucky basketball fans and the internets collide: total chaos sending hate mail via Facebook and Twitter to players and coaches.  What a bunch of idiots.  They're just kids, and they're not your kids, so don't think you can pull a Gillespie and make them walk home from the Steak and Shake on 127.
• Thanks to Kentucky's loss and Vandy's win, the Dores are confident that they're top ten material if they win at Rupp.  It's certainly possible.
• Rondo made the NBA All-Star team, which he deserved last year, too.
• National signing day is in like, a week.  Moral Victory's full of updates, including the Jesus-led decommitment of Nash Nance, so check him out for Commie commitments.
• Know why you haven't heard anything about Kentucky's football recruiting haul for this year?  Because it's basketball season terrible, at last in the league, according to Rivals.  Yay!

That's it for right now.  Stand by for witty repartee with VSL shortly.

HAHAHA, YOU SUCK VOLS

HT: Tennesseean.  As if they'd actually give me permission to use their photos.

Hey, Commies fans, that was fun last night, wasn't it?  It was kind of a weird game for me to watch, mainly because there wasn't just one thing the Dores did to beat UT.  The zone did a good job of limiting Tennessee's athleticism, but it's not like Vandy is lacking in that department these days.  Andre Walker made all the hustle plays he usually does, Jenkins hit some great threes, and Tinsley found his stroke and also managed to find his way to the line.  Taylor struggled a bit, but he did not quit and played some good defense to go with 10 points.  A.J. was far from dominant, but he, along with Festus and Steve Tchiengang, managed to hold UT's best player, Wayne Chism, in check for most of the night.  Foul trouble was not kind to either team, but when your bench is only about two or three deep like the Vols' is, that's extra painful. 

Really solid game all around for everyone.  Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Jermaine Beal.  Best game I think I've ever seen him play last night.  He hit contested threes, basically shut down Bobby Maze (not all that hard, but still) and ran the offense effectively for the most part.  Yes, he still did some Beal-y things like try to run into the third row on fast breaks and take a few bad shots (that still went in), but he really limited turnovers and did a good job feeding the post when it was open.

The Vandy blogs are obviously aflutter about the win.  I agree with the guys at Anchor of Gold when they said Vandy outswaggered UT on their home floor.  The Dores certainly were not rattled, and looked confident from the opening tip, a welcome change from the outright confusion we saw back in November and December.

All of this good feeling is a real contrast to Kentucky's current mood of reflection and middling about the Carolina loss two nights ago.  TBA can be an intimidating place to play, and I've seen Vandy come in to Rupp two years in a row now and look pretty flustered.  I don't see that happening with this team, though.  Vandy is the real deal this year, and Kentucky had better recognize it or the Cats are going to really have their work cut out for them if they want to win the SEC.

WELL, THAT SUCKED

More creepy than suck-y.

I'm bracing myself for all the schadenfreude I expect from last night's loss to South Carolina.  My quick thoughts: despite my hatred of Jimmy Dykes, I agree with him that Devan Downey is unguardable.  The rest of the Cocks played their roles, made open shots, and hustled a lot harder than the Cats on rebounds and 50/50 balls.  I don't buy the "they couldn't handle the pressure of Number One!" bullshit, but Carolina came to play and the Cats were not ready for it.  I think the Cats are still a better team, obviously, than the Gamecocks, but the absolutely got outplayed last night.  Patterson didn't have a single basket in the second half.  Cousins missed a lot of shots (though he was clearly UK's MVP), and the beating he took was largely ignored by the refs.  Wall didn't play like Wall except for maybe five minutes at the end of the game.  Dodson missed a wide open dunk.  Bledsoe was indecisive.  Miller was a freaking ghost.  It was a bad night, and when you play a spirited opponent on their own floor on a bad night, you're probably going to lose.

The Cats were bound to lose at some point.  Going undefeated just doesn't happen anymore, as much as I would have loved shoving that in Bobby Knight's face (because I see him all the time!).  All I know is, the team had better take this opportunity to focus and understand that wins on the road do not just fall in your lap.  GO CATS.

BTW, Vandy plays at UT tonight, who are coming off a loss to better-than-we-thought Georgia.  I hate the Vols, so I hope they suck out loud and give Vandy another game up on top of the SEC standings.  See the usual haunts for more info, as I don't have it in me today to talk much more about basketball.  Conquer and prevail and whatnot.

DEVAN DOWNEY IS ABOUT TO BE EVEN SADDER

Who pops a South Carolina jersey?

Sorry again about the lack of posting.  I'm serious, I'm crazy busy and need some help.  If you want some more content around here from a mind slightly less brilliant than mine, email me and I'll see about letting you contribute.

Okay, quick recap of the weekend's games in a sentence or less before we talk about tonight's 9PM ESPN tilt: Vandy played Jekyll and Hyde with Auburn before crushing the Tigers' collective soulnottheband, Kentucky finally delivered a federal prison-style ass pounding to an opponent who just happened to be Arkansas but fans are still complaining about Patrick Patterson's assertiveness, and if you missed the South Carolina-Florida game, man, that was, to borrow a sorry Bill Simmons reference, an honest-to-God stomach punch game. 

What a truly sad way to lose.  Florida is probably better than you.  Devan Downey, your best player sinks two at the line with about 30 seconds to go.  Florida gets the ball back after the second made free throw, passes to Erving Walker, who is stupidly fouled by said best player.  Walker makes the free throws, so you're down one with about 13 seconds to go.  On the inbounds play, Florida double teams the best player, and then again when he beats the double team to get the inbounds pass.  Best player streaks up the floor, divides about three or four Gators like they're the Red Sea, and makes a crazy layup.  But there are still five seconds left, and it's the undeserving Gators, so they somehow find Chandler Parsons, Pat Summitt's lovechild, on the elbow, who sinks a three to win the game.  GAH.  I don't really like either team but I hate Florida and that was an excruciating way to lose.

Which brings us to tonight.  The Cocks have lost three straight.  Kentucky is talking about being #1, sending at least four players to the NBA, and trying to find out when they might, if ever, lose.  I'm sure South Carolina's not an afterthought to everyone, just most of the national sports media.  Downey has shoved an icepick in our hearts before, and on several occasions in fact.  It's a home game for the Cocks.  Downey is a really good player.  It should be interesting.

College Basketball

Go Cats.

KENTUCKY AND VANDY WILL KEEP ZEROES IN THE LOSS COLUMN

I bet DeMarcus wakes up every day feeling like that, but less white.  So, it's been an awesome week in schadenfreude, has it not?  Sure, UT keeps winning, but Louisville, North Carolina, and Duke and cancer all lost.  Things are looking up!  Tomorrow, after long weeks of practice, watching Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show Farewell Tour, the last Jersey Shore, and searching for leg warmers, our Cats and Dores get back on the court to play Arkansas and Auburn.  Here's what's up:

Arkansas and Auburn both are trying hard to show each other just who's going to be last in the SEC this year.  I mean, really hard.

Arkansas: I've had not one but TWO four-game losing streaks this year!
Auburn: Yeah, well I have yet to win a home SEC game.  BURN!
Arkansas: My record is below .500!
Auburn: I got my ass handed to me by Sam Houston State.
Arkansas: Well, I see your point there.
Georgia and LSU:  Excuse us, but I think you'll have to go 0-8 collectively to catch us in the race to the bottom.

Kentucky tips off at 4 in Rupp on SEC Network tomorrow, so God knows whether we'll actually be able to see the game.  Aubie's got the Dores in Memorial with the same TV situation at 1 p.m. EST.  I took a quick look at the stats on StatSheet and I don't know if there's a conspiracy or what, but both of these games have four-factors comparisons that are almost identical.  That's pretty crazy, as KenPom says Arkansas has a 4% chance of winning, and Auburn has a 6% chance.  Either the four factors are bullshit or somebody's numbers are screwed up.  Look for Vandy near the bottom of the polls next Monday, and Kentucky at the very top.  Go Cats, go Dores, and go home, it's Friday.

IT'S A RANDOM, BASKETBALL-LESS WEEK

 GOT to check that out.

I try to keep it current around here, but I'm also really, really busy.  Neither the Cats nor the Dores have played any basketball this week, so people have been talking about other stuff like the NFL Playoffs (dead to me if the Saints lose), Aussie Open tennis (fun), and the ACC (vomit).  I like tennis, but it's not really fun to talk about with people who aren't tennis fans and I'll go out on a limb and assume that you all are not.  I'll do some game previews for Saturday's contests against Arkansas and Auburn tomorrow.  Wow, this was a terrible post.  Oh well, what am I, an English teacher?

WALK OF SHAME: STILL UNDEFEATED (IN THE CONFERENCE)

You think those two got along?

Lots of interesting things to talk about from last weekend, but first: Haiti.  Obviously you know about the total degeneration into prehistoria that's going down in Port-au-Prince right now, with 80% of the buildings and roads destroyed, an airport that makes a cornfield seem smoother than glass, and over 50,000 people dead and countless others in need of aid that no one can seem to get to them thanks to a complete lack of infrastructure.  Kentucky basketball has done their part thanks to its Hoops for Haiti fundraiser this past weekend which raised over $1 million to support efforts on Hispaniola.  That's 1/5 of what the entire People's Republic of China gave.  Jerks.  I'm sure you can still do the "text HAITI to 90999" thing, and the four additional messages they send back to you are worth dealing with if it helps someone in need down there.  There are other outlets for relief, but do your homework because there are some real assholes out there that will just take your money and run with it.This is disaster of epic proportions and there aren't many countries worse equipped than Haiti to deal with it.  The Red Cross is usually a good place to start.  Hopefully, when all's said and done (in 10 years) they'll be able to become a better, less corrupt, and more peaceful country than it's been since the island was even discovered.

Okay, moving on to more positive news: Kentucky couldn't go fifteen seconds into a possession in the second half against Auburn without turning it over or throwing up a brick, and still came out with a five point win at Beard-Eaves Coliseum on Saturday.  It was a disappointing win, but if you ignore the adjective it's still a win.  Patterson was almost non-existent in the second half, Wall and Bledsoe were stuck in hyperdrive and couldn't get out, and DeMarcus lost his headband but that didn't stop him from throwing down the thunder and generally playing pretty well in the last five minutes of the game.  I'll take the win, and hope that the guys can figure out how to keep their foot on teams' throats because there's no reason Auburn should have been in any position to win that game.

Vanderbilt apparently played much better down in Carolina.  Devan Downey got his, but the rest of his teammates did not, and the Dores notched another road win by 10.  I didn't see the game, but some good recaps are available at Dore Posts, VSL, and Anchor of Gold.

THE WEEKEND'S TRAVELING SHOW

Barrels of monkeys have nothing on these guys.

Two road games for our Cats and Commodores this weekend.  Kentucky plays Auburn at 4 on your local SEC Network affiliate and Vandy again plays on CSS, so rev up your laptops on that one.  VSL usually does a fun live-blog for away games, so if you're into that sort of thing, check it out.  Before I start into some hastily-thrown-together game previews, a word about the so-called SEC Network.  It's effing terrible.  Awful.  I'm glad ESPN and the SEC signed a deal in the blood of their own children to set it up, but the game's I've attempted to watch on networks other than CBS, Fox Sports, or ESPN are unwatchable.  The commentators are terrible.  The feed closely resembles the scrambled softcore porn we all tried to watch when we were kids.  My TV screen goes black for spans ranging from 2-10 minutes at a time during games.  Needless to say, I'm pretty pissed about it, and look forward to the end of NFL football so CBS will put Kentucky back on normal TV the way it should be.

There, I feel better.  First, Kentucky at Beard Eaves Coliseum, home of the Auburn TAHGERS.  I watched Auburn play UT last night.  UT is not as good as we think they are sans Tyler Smith and the other drunk pot smokin' gun slangers that are suspended from the team.  Yes, they beat Kansas, but they're missing a lot.  Meanwhile, Auburn is terrible.  On paper, they don't look too bad.  The rotation's about 8 players deep, they handle the ball fairly well, and they shoot okay except from 3.  But this team is 9-8 for a reason, and it's because they can't actually run offense or defend half court sets.  Here's the chart:

College Basketball

Again, these little bars might all look the same, but Auburn just doesn't have the chops to hang in with Kentucky.  This is only Kentucky's third true road game, but I don't see it being much of a contest (assuming I am able to see it at all /shakes fist at SEC Network).

Meanwhile, Vandy's heading to South Carolina to take on what has become an enigmatic Gamecock team.  Before the season, we all thought the Cocks would be in pretty good shape to contend for 2nd or 3rd in the East thanks to the return of Devan Downey and Dominique Archie.  But I think Archie got hurt and hasn't played, and the Cocks have really suffered.  The Cocks seem to play about 9 or 10 guys, but the only consistent scorers are Downey and Brandis Raley-Ross, who combine to score almost half of Carolina's 77 points per game.  Figure out a way to stop those two, and the Dores might have the game in the bag.  Vandy will absolutely have to find a way to make some damn free throws and establish the low post early, or we'll have another nailbiter like we did on Wednesday, and I don't see the Commies weathering that sort of game twice in a row.  CHARTS, ONCE MORE!

NCAA Basketball

That'll do it, sports fans. Have a good weekend.

VANDERBILT WON BY ONE (HOMONYMS!)

This dunk didn't actually happen last night.

I'll be honest here, folks.  I'm not a true, dyed-in-the-wool Vanderbilt fan.  I follow the team because my wife's a former Vandy cheerleader who loves college basketball (lucky me, actually).  But I'll be honest, they've grown on me.  They're not like an anti-Kentucky (meaning slow, white, and loses a lot), but they're very different from the Wildcats that I've obsessed over my entire life. 

Games like the one the Dores played last night against Alabama provided me with a real contrast in fanhood.  I got worked up about the game a little bit, which is mildly unusual for any team other than Kentucky.  I felt aching disappointment with each of the eleventy billion layups and short range putbacks A.J., Jeffery Taylor and Festus missed.  I understood VU kids' love/hate relationship with Jermaine Beal (WHAT A HORRIBLE SHOT! OMFG HE MADE IT!  STILL A HORRIBLE SHOT!).  I was agape at how bad Vandy was on jump shots and especially from the charity stripe.  And I was relieved when they won the game by a single point despite a lot of excuses for the refs to make foul and/or traveling calls with six seconds to play and Bama with the ball.

If that was a Kentucky game I'd be irate, even if it was a game we'd have played under Gillispie or Tubby the last two years he was in Lexington.  I'd be furious that we didn't win by 30 because we're a better team.  I'd have thrown a lot of things into a lot of different walls.  But either because I don't care quite as much about Vandy or because the Vanderbilt basketball fan experience comes with less exacting expectations (maybe), I was just happy with the victory.  That's probably something that I should try to make translate over to the way I experience Kentucky basketball.  But I won't.  Great win, Dores!

LANE KIFFIN BEATS FLORIDA. WAIT, WHAT?

First the basketball game, then the Kiffin, then tonight's Vandy contest, William Faulkner style: Kentucky cannot throw it in the ocean and I can't believe how many point blank buckets Cousins and Patterson are missing as if there are bees on their hands and speaking of bees, Boynton and Walker seem almost as fast as Wall, but maybe not as fast as Eric Bledsoe man that kid has rockets in his shoes did he really go for 25 points I think he did, and Patterson is really acting the beast down there while Cousins is playing dodgeball with Florida's big men down there and winning big time geez this game is close with five minutes to go but then there goes Bledsoe with the three pointers and FIN.  Fun, wasn't it?  Now, on to the story that everyone in the universe is talking about:

Lane Kiffin leaves Tennessee for Southern Cal.  And took HIS ENTIRE ASSISTANT STAFF WITH HIM.  You have no idea how happy this makes me.  He left the Vols after one season.  One.  He wasn't even fired.  He ruffled up a lot of feathers, committed a half dozen NCAA violations, lost too many games, and jetted like Knoxville was a one night stand.  Fan. Tastic.  Making my schadenfreude even more delicious is the fans' reaction:

SO GREAT!  Okay, on to tonight's Vanderbilt tilt against 258-time national champion Alabama.  Bama, as we all know, has a lot of football rejects on their team and a first year coach in Anthony Grant.  That will all change soon, especially the first year coach part, because unless Bama's stupid, Grant will be in Tuscaloosa for a long time.  The guy can coach and recruit, but those things are not going to do him much good tonight.  The Tide are actually 11-4 on the season which isn't bad, and one of those losses is to the neo-giant slayer Cornell.  Looking at the season stats, Alabama actually is pretty similar to Vanderbilt with nearly identical averages in possessions per game and points per possession, Vandy just barely holding the edge in efficiency.  VSL, as usual, has more.  This should really be a fun game to watch if you happen to get Comcast, which I don't.  Oh well.  Go Dores!

FLORIDA + HAIRCUTS = LULZZZ

I was thinking about this earlier: man, there have been some terrible haircuts on the University of Florida's men's basketball team.  I mean, AWFUL.  Now, you may be thinking, "hey, you're from Kentucky, home of Billy Ray Cyrus and his trademark Kentucky Waterfall mullett."  You'd be right (even if This Guy took it to 11). But I'm here to tell you, Florida is worse.  Clearly, the Gators take their cues from Eddie Munster's doppelganger, Coach Billy Donovan:

See more after the jump.

JORTS EVERYWHERE

Gators fans and jorts are a known quantity.  The joke has also been run into the ground by Georgia and Tennessee fans ad nauseam.  But guess what!  I'm going to run it even further into the ground.  Like, with a shovel, because it's fun and easy.

 Now that's out of the way, so let's talk a little bit about tonight's game.  Florida lost a step or two when Nick Calathes decided he wanted those dolla dolla Euro bills, but his replacements, Erving Walker and Kenny Boynton, aren't exactly slouches.  The Gators don't have a whole lot of inside presence that I think can compete with Cousins and Patterson, but Alex Tyus's receding hairline and accompanying dreds might serve as enough of a distraction to make things interesting in the paint.  We can also expect the Gators to collapse on any balls near the rim, as that's every team's gameplan against the Cats these days.

I expect this game to be either a shootout or a brick-fest.  Assuming the Gators can't get much started in the block, they'll have to rely on perimeter shooting.  Not the lizards' strong suit - they barely average 30% behind the arc (but don't tell the Dores that; Florida shot almost 50% on Saturday).  Similarly, assuming the Gators play zone defense most of the game, the Cats will have to do better than their most recent games where they went 4-28 from distance.  Gross.  This should be a pretty tight game, and Kentucky's only favored to win by 2; Pomeroy gives them just over a 52% chance of winning.  Here's the season-average four factors analysis from StatSheet.com:

College Basketball

Enjoy the game tonight, and Go Cats!

WALK OF SHAME IS CONFERENCING

Man, conferences are boring.

WoAh, lots happened in basketball this weekend.  You can tell it was a lot by the way I typed "woah."  I think Joey Lawrence would be proud.

• Kentucky got a little more than they bargained for in a charged up Georgia Bulldogs team with something to prove.  My aforementioned confetti buckets were nowhere to be seen, but Mike Tomlin (BOOO) and Ashley Judd (YAY!!) were.  The Cats didn't really look very good at anything, especially shooting, but some solid play at the end from DeMarcus Cousins and solid spot defense by DeAndre Liggins helped Kentucky seal it up.  I guess all you have to do is put a "De" in front of your name and that makes you clutch.  My new name might become DeBob.
• Vanderbilt easily played their best game of the season against Florida.  Kenny Boynton and Erving Walker were good, but Jermaine Beal and A.J. Ogilvy were better.  Alex Tyus and his receding dreadlocked hairline were no match for A.J., who broke the 20 point barrier with ease.  John Jenkins is also really, really good.
• Ole Miss lost to Mississippi State, proving that I know nothing about either of these teams.  The game was not on TV, but the score was in the paper.
• Tennessee forgot that the conference schedule had started and somehow beat Kansas even though their best player got kicked off the team.  The Vols actually looked pretty good out there and Kansas couldn't seem to get it going.  I hate Tennessee, though, so screw them.

In other news, some NFL Playoff football happened this weekend.  The Bengals, courtesy of Shane-omatic Graham, choked big time at home against the freaking Jets and put their playoff record at 0 for everything under Mike Brown.  The defenses from Arizona and Green Bay might as well have stayed home last night, as neither team could keep the other out of the end zone in the second half.  None of the games were particularly good, so hopefully the bye teams improve things this coming weekend.

That's it, I'm spent.  Dirty Birds play somebody tonight.  Let's hope they lose!

THERE IS BASKETBALL ON TELEVISION THIS WEEKEND

FDR was a Princeton fan.

Lots of basketball on TV tomorrow, but not all of it is interesting.  First up, Vanderbilt tips off its SEC opener at home against Florida at noon EST.  I hate Florida, so I won't waste my time talking about them.  VSL's already got the pregame here anyway.  There's not much else on at that slot other than the Dirty Birds against St. John, but if you're really starved for channel switching, Purdue and Wisconsin play at 1:30.  Kentucky starts their SEC slate off with Georgia, who is terrible, so this should be another one of those fun games with lots of fancy dribblin', dunkin', alley oopin', and buckets of confetti being thrown into the stands during timeouts.  Once the Kentucky game is over, well, there's nothing.  I suggest drowning your sorrows with booze, but that's not for everyone.

NFL Playoffs start on Sunday and the Bengals are prominently involved, but since everyone thinks they'll definitely lose that will not be fun.  Revel in the basketball games of Saturday instead, is my suggestion.  Go Cats, Go Dores, and go home.  It's Friday, for crying out loud.

COLT McCOY INJURES SHOULDER, TEXAS FORFEITS

HT: EDSBS

Catch that game last night?  Texas was owning the Tide on both sides of the ball for three possessions, then McCoy gets a shoulder owie and that was pretty much the end of it.  Ingram and Richardson ran all over the Longhorns after that.  Sure, that babyfaced freshman QB Gilbert tried to lead a comeback, but the game wasn't really in doubt once McCoy was down.

Did this post seem halfassed to you?  Does it piss you off?  Well, do something about it.  Email me at anythingbutgatorade@gmail.com with something I can read and I might make you a writer around here.  It's a payless yet glamorous job.

WHERE WE AT: SEC BASKETBALL

Pirate squirrel might be photoshop nirvana.  Picture is unrelated.

Obviously there are still a couple games left on Kentucky and Vandy's schedule, but we thought we'd take a minute to see how the SEC is shaping up before conference play starts next week.  While last year was terrible, prognosticators thought our league would make some strides this year.  Well, they were kind of wrong, but not totally wrong.  Here's a snapshot of current conference standings and what we might expect from our SEC brethren this year (seriously, is "sisterthren" a word?  "Sisthren?"):

SEC - East	W	L	GB	PCT	W	L	PCT
Kentucky	0	0	-	.000	15	0	1.000
Tennessee	0	0	-	.000	11	2	.846
Florida	0	0	-	.000	11	3	.786
Vanderbilt	0	0	-	.000	11	3	.786
South Carolina	0	0	-	.000	9	5	.643
Georgia	0	0	-	.000	8	5	.615

SEC - West	W	L	GB	PCT	W	L	PCT
Mississippi	0	0	-	.000	12	2	.857
Mississippi State	0	0	-	.000	12	3	.800
Alabama	0	0	-	.000	10	4	.714
LSU	0	0	-	.000	9	5	.643
Auburn	0	0	-	.000	9	6	.600
Arkansas	0	0	-	.000	7	8	.467

Check out more after the jump.

LINKS DISGUISED AS A PLEA FOR HELP

Penguins are always funny.  So are seals.  Are you?  Because I could really use some help around here.  Law iz hard!  Seriously, I'm busy as hell with no time to really plug in to the important stuff, like Tim Brando's asshattery or John Wall's SI cover, much less whatever's going on in VandyLand.  I fell asleep during a BCS bowl game last night again because the team I picked, Georgia Tech, got pretty much rolled by Ricky Stanzi, symbol of America.  I did watch Arkansas almost beat Texas, and sort of turned my head when I remembered that College of Charleston beat UNC the day before.  But I'm mostly tired because working is kicking my ass.  So email me at anythingbutgatorade@gmail.com with your razor sharp wit and sports acumen.  Please.  SEC basketball update might be coming tomorrow, but don't get your hopes up.

VANDERBILT WINS, BOISE STATE'S BAND DOES NOT

I only caught bits and pieces of last night's Vanderbilt win over MTSU, but what I did watch featured a smiley A.J. Ogilvy (he leads the conference in smiles! Not!), a growing John Jenkins, a sort of slumping Jeffery Taylor, and Steve Tchiengang's cornrow mohawk.  A.J. apparently likes to call it the Triceratops, but really I think Stegosaurus is more accurate, and that is what I vote Stevie's nickname to be from here to forevermore.  MTSU isn't a throwaway team, and Vandy did a good job at home in holding them largely in check.  You can check out all the usual haunts for more details, but those are the things I noted about the game.

The reason my full attention wasn't on the Dores last night is because a) the Fiesta Bowl was on, and b) I took an impromptu nap for about 30 minutes in the middle of it with my dog until my wife woke me up.  The Fiesta Bowl was not fun for me to watch because TCU pretty much got rolled and I was pulling for them.  The Boise State band's percussion section stole my heart, though, largely because of this girl and THE Bruce Dickinson:

via EDSBS, the Freek

She kept that weird face for most of the game, I think, and I LOL'd until I heard she was visually impaired.  But it was still funny.

RICH BROOKS RETIRES FROM COACHING, WRESTLING CAREERS

Rich Brooks announced his retirement yesterday.  That's  a sobering thought for Kentucky football fans.  To paraphrase Jon Gruden (and steal a KSK bit), HERE'S A GUY who took over a program in the throes of probation after having been retired for about three years.  HERE'S A GUY who didn't win very many games his first three years on the job.  Nine, actually.  I'M ONE OF THE GUYS calling for his head on a pike after losing so many games and failing to appreciate how much trouble he was in when he took the job, and my more-than-likely liquored up ass really wanted to hire Mike Archer for the head job.  BUT THEN THIS GUY rolls off four straight bowl appearances, three of them wins.  THIS GUY beats #1 ranked LSU.  THIS GUY beats U of L three years in a row.  THIS GUY ends decades-long away losing streaks at Georgia and Auburn.

I don't think there's a Kentucky fan out there who doesn't love Coach Brooks and appreciates what he's done for the program.  Okay, there probably are people like that, but they're full retard and don't deserve my attention.  It's hard to win in the SEC, and even harder to make inroads in recruiting and game plan that garner results on the conference ladder.  But he did those things with a deck stacked against him and produced some of the best football we've ever seen at Commonwealth Stadium played by our own team.  That deserves some serious gratitude (AND HIS NAME ON THE FIELD, SCREW C.M. NEWTON). 

What makes me anxious now is finding out how well Joker's going to handle the job going forward.  Will we take a step back?  Will we actually get better?  I wouldn't be upset if we kind of stalled for one year, because he's bound to experience some growing pains, but I sure hope he kicks some ass going forward.

ADIOS, PAPA BROOKS

(HT: EDSBS)

More on this tomorrow.

COUSINS'S FOREARMS ARE MADE OF JUSTICE

So Saturday's Battle of the Bluegrass was interesting, wasn't it?  I got the chance to go, and it was probably the most intense basketball game I've ever witnessed.  Apparently the fun police were out before the game confiscating anything that might remotely remind anyone of Karen Sypher, but the hate vibes were apparent.  Then during pregame warmups and the national anthem, players were jawing at each other incessantly, and Sosa and Jerry "Call Me Tyler" Smith were bumping Cats players in layup lines and generally acting like U of L players usually do.  Kentucky wasn't exactly innocent on that front either, as they came right back with similar behavior. 

Then, the longest 45 seconds in college basketball happened with Bledsoe getting yanked in the first 8 seconds for mixing up with Reggie Delk and then a super fun game of Kill The Man With The Ball on the other side of the court from the U of L bench.  That's when we (and more specifically that Swopshire guy) first became aware of Cousins's Forearms of Justice.  I have a buddy who was sitting right across from that melee and he swears he saw Swopshire knee DeMarcus in the head before diving on the ball, which would make Cousins's reaction seconds later more understandable, but no one else has said they saw that (least of all the CBS broadcast crew, I hear) so who knows.  What I do know is that DeMarcus a) has a career in professional wrestling if basketball doesn't work out, and b) really needs to figure out how NOT to blow a gasket every time someone pisses him off, or he'll be thrown out of some games this year.  Either way, I'm sure Joe B. Hall would be proud.

Anyway, after that, the game was a mess.  Kentucky got a great lead in the first half but couldn't but the Dirty Birds away, so we had to sit and sweat it out for 20 more grueling minutes in the second half that featured a lead change and a cramped up John Wall killing five guys in red on several drives to salt the game away.  It was fun, but I think my blood pressure might have seen new heights that afternoon, and my wife (who was with me) probably had the same issues.  Wildness.

Oh, and Vandy rolled up on some CUSA team by like 40, but, again, I don't think the game was on TV.  Go figure.  Check Anchor of Gold for the deets.  Adios!