JIMMY DYKES CALLS A CHILI COOKOFF

 

THAT'S SMILE CONSISTENCY.

BRAD NESSLER: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this year's SEC Basketball Chili Cookoff in Music City, USA.  All the big chili fans are out in force here, and the big SEC chili cooks are ready to give them what they want.  I'm Brad Nessler alongside Jimmy Dykes, and we're ready for some chili action!

JIMMY DYKES: That's right, Brad, and it looks like they're going to get started right away!  Over here in this square area is Chef Kevin Stallings.  He likes to use a lot of chili powder and peppers for POWER, and that's where he gets his points.  I like to call that area the POWER HOT ZONE!  That's because he makes hot chili, and that's where his points come from when the judges score him!  POWER HOT ZONE, Brad.

BRAD:  Uh, thanks, Jimmy.  Up next, we've got Chef Rotnei Clark.

JIMMY: Yeah, Brad, I was watching Clark warm up his chili pot this morning to prepare for the cookoff.  One thing you'll notice about him is that in warming up and during competition he is very consistent with the number of beans he puts in his chili.  THAT'S BEAN CONSISTENCY, Brad.  He always uses the same amount of BEANS!  BEAN CONSISTENCY!!

BRAD: Sure thing, Jimmy.  Over at Table 12 there's Chef John "Chili" Calipari.  You've got some experience being in his shoes, don't you, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Well, I don't know if I'd call it that, Brad.  I'd never say I know what it's like to be Chili Calipari, but I did sleep on Adolph Rupp's couch once!

BRAD:  ...um, what?

JIMMY:  I slept on Adoph Rupp's couch once.

BRAD: /dead silence

JIMMY: It smelled like gym socks and WINNING, I'll tell you that much, Brad!

BRAD:.................Ooohhhhkay, moving on to our next contestant, Chef Ramon Harris.  He's struggled to impress the judges.

JIMMY: Yeah, I know Chef Harris is good at fending off other competitors, but really, Brad, the thing that limits him is that he's a NON-POURER.  He can shut down other chili chefs, but he just can't get the chili into the bowl when he gets the opportunity.  NON-POURER!!!

BRAD: Really, Jimmy?  Non-pourer?  You're trying to make that a catch phrase?

JIMMY: NON-POURER, Brad.  All the scouts are saying it.

BRAD: What scouts?  This is a chili cookoff.

JIMMY:  Oh there are scouts.  AND, I talk to them on a regular basis.  THAT'S TALK CONSISTENCY, Brad.

BRAD:  Seriously?  That's what you came up wi--WOAH, look at Chef Jodie Meeks go after that ground beef!  He's using that meat cleaver like it's a scalpel!

JIMMY:  He sure is, Brad!  Meeks is so good because when he gets a meat cleaver in his hands, he makes VIOLENT CUTS with the knife.  Those CUTS, they're so VIOLENT that no one can stop him!  VIOLENT CUTS!!!

BRAD:  Oh hell.