TIM SYPHER IS AN ENIGMA

Woof.

By now you've heard all the sordid details of Rick Pitino's awful performance the night he boned Karen Sypher at Porcini in Louisville.  It's gross, and Rick can put a lid on any hope he had of continuing his UofL Dance Team farm girlfriend system he might have had.  Or maybe not, those girls seem kinda desperate.  Anyway, after the Rickster got off the stand yesterday, eventually Crazylady's now ex-husband Tim Sypher testified for the government.  

I can't figure this dude out.  The first time he spends any amount of time with this washed-up defective Barbie doll is on the way to an abortion clinic in Cincinnati.  That's AFTER he knows his boss screwed the chick in booth at a restaurant.  THEN he falls in love with her and asks her to marry him at her dad's gravesite or something.  QED, Tim Sypher is a weird, not-normal and probably overly self deprecating person.  Who does that?  Find out more today because he's getting crossed by that guy who looks like something out of a bad action flick.

RICK PITINO IS GETTING CROSSED TODAY

Karen Sypher back when she was still with WCW.

Rick got to relive his poor taste in boozy skanks yesterday on the stand in Federal Court and even went so far as to admit that he spent about 15 seconds carnally with Karen Crazylady before the romance was over.  Matt Jones has been live at most of the proceedings and is keeping us all up to date with his Twitter feed, which is nice.  Unfortunately for you, I'm actually a working lawyer with clients and appointments and stuff, so I can't go watch and do the same.  The C-J has also done a nice job of keeping up with the story, and if you live in Louisville, Joe Arnold is trying hard to make Fox News with quips like this.

Sypher's attorney has actually done a pretty good job ripping up the U.S. Attorney's witnesses thus far, and he's scheduled to lay into the Rickster today.  Good thing the Slick One's a defensive specialist, ready to press that dude until he submits.  On an aside, it would be awesome to be anywhere within hearing distance of this conversation about pancakes and blouses.

More on the trial, or maybe football, as the week winds up. 

WHO KNEW RICK MOONLIT AS A COBBLER?

Your actual fact-y report of yesterday's court proceedings are more readily available over at the Courier Journal courtesy of Andrew Wolfson.  The most interesting thing about yesterday's opening proceedings, aside from the fact that it sort of plays out like that date-rape video they show you at college orientation (Karen: RAPE!  Rick: SLUT!) is the new accusation that the Rickster threatened to fit Sypher for a new pair of concrete shoes.  To the blockquote, Robin:

In the most explosive remarks of the trial's opening day, Earhart said Pitino threatened in August 2003 that Sypher would be “put in concrete in a river” if she didn't remain silent about what Pitino described as “the unfortunate incident” between them at Porcini restaurant on the night of July 31, 2003.

Really?  There's now way he said that.  Sure, we all like to joke that Rick fancies himself some kind of mafioso remnant of the Tattaglia family.  Rick might occasionally dress like a 1940's gangster but that's not what he is, right?  And, besides, there are way more creative ways to get rid of a body than sinking it to the bottom of the Ohio, just watch Law and Order.  It's not that deep, someone might find it!  Amirite, fellas?  Fellas?

More to come later this week.  It's already turning into a shitshow.

IT'S SYPHER TRIALMAS!

Yikes, those things are about to hit the table.

Today's the first day of the Karen Sypher sextortion trial involving our beloved Ricky P.  The opening arguments, paraphrased by Matt *groan* Jones here, sound like a bad soap opera.  Actually "bad" and "soap opera" are synonymous, so consider that statement to be redundant.  Anyway, it's gonna be a bloodbath, hopefully with real blood.  I'm not in the courtroom but a lot of other newsmedia are, so I'll be taking their words and adding snark throughout the week for your reading pleasure.  BJs and pasta alfredo for everyone!

COACH ROBBIE CALDWELL AND EXPECTATIONS

While the eBays are all aflutter about Robbie Caldwell today (as they should be), some jackass over at VSL in the comments section says to can his ass if he wins any less than six games. Even Dimon half-joins the hatin', which is to be expected from an investigatory journalist like him.  I think that's fairly preposterous, as even if Bobby Johnson hadn't retired the Dores were going to struggle to win more than four. VSL raises the question this morning about how high the bar should be set for the Turkey man, though, which presented me with ample opportunity to take a closer look at the schedule. Nevermind that I've been promising to do this for about a month now.

Northwestern:  Believe it or not, the Wildcats were kind of a fun team to watch last year when put in the context of Big 10 football.  QB Mike Kafka was something of a gunslinger, and not in the fashion of media whore Brett Favre.  He's gone now, though, and all indications are that Northwestern might slide back into mediocrity/shittiness, which is their typical state in the realm of athletics.  This will be a competitive game, I think.  Vandy's gonna be energized and ready to go, so I say WIN.

LSD/U: Dores come crashing back to Earth despite Les Miles's most valiant attempts to screw this game up.  Tahgers are just too good.  Loss.

at Ole Miss:  Probably another loss, but let's not forget the Houston Nutt corollary.  I'll chalk it up as a loss, though.

at UConn:  Someone explain to me why Vandy schedules bad away games like this.  This is really 50/50 for me because UConn's actually kind of sneaky-good, and they beat Sakerlina last year.  I know jack about the Huskies so I'll say win, but I'm not comfortable about it. Good news is Dores are coming off a bye going into this game.

Eastern Michigan:  Terrible.  Win.

at Georgia:  UGA is bound to bounce back this year, if off-season arrests are any indication of a team's ability to win football games.  Yes, they're transitioning to a 3-4, which is probably a bad idea, but I don't see any way the Dores's O-line can stop TWO outside rushing linebackers.  Loss.

Cackolack:  This is another weird one.  Carolina's supposed to be on the up and up (aren't they always) but you wouldn't know it talking to the OBC yesterday at Media Days.  I'll give the old man some leeway here and say loss, but a win would not surprise me.

at War Pigs:  If the hype is to be believed, Ryan Mallett will scooter his ass into the top of the Heisman ballot this year.  Vandy's secondary is pretty good in the middle, but I'm not quite as sure about their cornerbacks this season.  Plus, Bobby Petrino is a dick.  Probably a loss.

Florida:  No good.

at Wahldcaits:  I said the Cats would win this one already, but batshit crazy things always happen in this game, a la D.J. Moore.

Stupid Vols:  This could also be a win, but it probably won't be.

Awake Forest:  Season ending win because the Deacs are no longer good at football, according to sources.

So there you have it.  More than likely four wins.  If the Dores get lucky, they might make it to six, but I wouldn't count on it.  That O-line is just in bad shape for 2010 and unless John Cole and co. have found some hands, the passing game won't be able to give the RB corps a break.  2011 is certainly looking up, but it's gonna be a long autumn for the gridiron Commies.  Bring bourbon, Nashvillains, it'll make it easier.

ROBBIE CALDWELL CRUSHED SEC MEDIA DAYS

If his inaugural stint at the podium this afternoon is any indication, the SEC and Vanderbilt in particular is in for a real treat with this guy as head coach.  I was actually laughing out loud at some points.  A coach's oratory hasn't been this funny since Lou Holth was giving pre-game speeches for teams that weren't his on ESPN.  If you can find video of this, watch all 50 minutes because it's entertaining as shit.  Go Dores.

NICK SABAN: AGENTS BE PIMPIN'

More on SEC Media Day #1 later, but you should know that this is the world Nick Saban sees every day.  At least when it comes to agents, and probably specifically Drew Rosenhaus.