CALIPARI'S MUSTANG VS. BROOKS'S F-150: WHO YA GOT?

WHO YA GOT?

RICH BROOKS F-150

PROS:

• Like a rock Built Ford Tough
• Toby Keith Envy
• Has a man-step
• Great for hauling tomatoes
• Definitely not bullshit

CONS:

• Might fall asleep in transit
• Gas mileage? What gas mileage?
• Might leave you wistful for days gone by
• OnStar is not included, but a MedAlert Personal Emergency Response is
• Somehow always ends up in Tennessee after Christmas

JOHN CALIPARI SIGNATURE ROUSH 427 MUSTANG

PROS:

• You won't have any problem recruiting...the ladies
• Black and blue paint job will confuse any Lexington cop
• Guaranteed to produce better results than your last drunken asshole of a car did
• Bruce Pearl hates it
• Will win lots more races than you think it will

CONS:

• Might take off and leave you with all those ladies you picked up in it
• May or may not be responsible for traffic violations that you were previously unaware of
• Even though you managed to score with 10 ladies over the past few weeks, will remind you that five of those didn't count
• Paint colors are sneakily similar to those of the Orlando Magic
• Sandy Bell is omnipresent in the back seat

That's the tale of the tape, kids.  COMMENTERS, F-150 vs. MUSTANG: WHO YA GOT?

SOMETHING DIFFERENT: HUMAN FIREBALL

OMFG! Actual sports related photo! LMFAO!

Not much to talk about sports-wise today (although if that's what you're looking for then there are reports out of Goodyear, AZ that some new Reds pitcher is throwing some serious heat) because the SEC regular season is over and the conference tournament doesn't start until Thursday, or for those of us with byes, Friday.  I got tickets, by the way.  No, your jealousy is not flattering.

Anyway, since no one's got a game for a few days, I thought I'd take a look at actual events happening on campus.  Oh, hey, look at that, the SAE's at UK won the annual "Light Someone on Fire and Then Assault Cops-A-Thon"!  Those crazy kids these days, what will they think of next?  In my grandparents' day it was "how many kids can you stuff in a phone booth", then with my parents it was "stuff a flower in the National Guard's M16s", with my friends it was "look how far I can throw this mattress off the roof" and now it's "wrap up your buddy in toilet paper and turn him into the Human Flame".  Evolution of dance has nothing on college students!

Seriously, that is really, really stupid.  I did a lot of stupid things in college, but it takes more than just booze and your frat bros to incite you to light your friend on fire.  I could get all high and mighty and say "well, that's an SAE for you" but I don't have much frame of reference because they kind of sucked while I was in school.  And only an idiot hits a Lexington cop.  Those guys have a Napoleon complex like you wouldn't believe, and are just DYING to pop a college kid with a flashlight if given the opportunity.  So talking shit and then taking a swing at one probably isn't going to make your day.  Best wishes to the kid who got lit on fire, and SAE gets what's coming to them for something stupid like that.

WALK OF SHAME: SPRING IS COMING

That handbag does NOT go with those shoes.

So it wasn't exactly a glorious weekend for readers of this blog who stayed in and watched basketball.  Vanderbilt got beat at home by Mighty Mouse and his merry band of ne'er-do-wells from South Carolina.  Tennessee absolutely crushed Mississippi State in Starkville.  Kentucky didn't exactly play inspired basketball on Senior + Patrick Patterson Day, but it was good enough to win.  Camillo Villegas didn't look totally ridiculous when he won the Honda Classic yesterday.  That doesn't have anything to do with Kentucky or Vanderbilt, but it's still true.  Link on:

• Not sure if you've been following this at all (it's been going on for a while) but Ole Miss is trying to find something to replace the venerable Col. Reb as their mascot and the leader in the clubhouse is Admiral Ackbar.  You know, the fish-head guy from Star Wars who knows a trap when he sees one.  Taiwan (yes, the whole country) made a video to catch you up to speed if you happen to speak Chinese. [EDSBS]
• Patrick Patterson isn't coming back next year, I think that's pretty obvious.  Brian Bennett, who used to write for the Courier Journal but now blogs or something for ESPN, does a nice story on PPat's Kentucky career. [MONOLITH]
• My buddy and yours, Douglas James, wants you to lay off A.J. Ogilvy - he's got feelings, too, you know. [VSL]
• I'm from Louisville but I hate UofL so the whole "last game in Freedom Hall" thing was sort of important but in a snarky way for me.  The damn Quads beat Syracuse like a drum in the second half on Saturday, btw.  Anyway, here's a missive on the importance or something of that barn out off I-65.  I think it's spot on, but the comments are more than entertaining. [Jon Bois]
• I know it's the most important part of basketball season, and the Reds are trying to kill me, but here's kind of an old post examining the Reds' offseason moves going into spring training.  Try to restrain yourselves. [RED REPORTER]

Have a nice Monday, people-weeples.

UGH, GATORS.

This has nothing to do with basketball, but dammit it's funny. HT: Warming Glow.

Kentucky's Senior/Junior/Not Gonna Be Here Next Season Night/Day/Late Morning is on Sunday, with tipoff at noon.  Lexington's parsons, priests and pastors would be distressed and upset with this infringement upon God's holy sermon schedule, but they're too busy trying to find tickets and buying Mark Krebs t-shirts.  We play Florida.  I really, really hate Florida.  But the Gators are probably more than a little interested in the outcome of the game because it sort of, you know, determines whether they'll be dancing or slumming it in the NIT again.  Given their recent track record, the NIT is a probability.  Vanderbilt took the Alligators' best shot on Tuesday and won anyway. Kentucky beat them pretty handily earlier in the season, too.  So what's there to worry about, other than losing the game, an outright SEC regular season title, and a potential #1 seed in the NCAAT?

A quick take on the matchups: Walker and Boynton are good, but as we (more likely I) saw on Wednesday and Thursday, a single guy can guard them, and Wall and Bledsoe/Liggins/whoever else at the 2 can stop anyone when they care enough.  I expect Cousins to guard Macklin, who's getting more assertive these days but come on, it's Cousins.  Tyus is sort of an x-factor but Patrick has played otherworldly lately so screw balding Predator on that one.  Finally, since it's Ramon's Senior Day, he'll probably be in charge of Parsons or Werner who sucks, so as long as those guys are zeroed out, Ramon wins.

I get to go to this one, but any hope of pre-drinking before the game and Senior festivities is probably shot because Lexington thinks beer and Sundays go together like Oprah and a treadmill.  Go Cats, anyway.

VANDY V. CHICKENS

The first thing that comes up when you google "vandy chicken."  Sans pickles, I approve.

My distaste for the University of South Carolina is going to tinge this post.  Actually, the post would have been tinged anyway because, hey, look who's writing it.  Anyway, the Commodoringtons round out the regular season on Saturday in Memorial against the Gamecocks.  I don't like them.  They're a good team...

/checks USC Jr. schedule

...wait no they're not.  Losing record in conference?  Check.  Owners of a six game losing streak, including a really bad home loss Wednesday night against Alabama?  Check.  11% chance of winning their last regular season game?  Check.  Come on, Dores, do your worst and put Devan Mightymouse Downey out of his misery.  Vanderbilt handily beat the Cocks on their home floor, which I think might be a file warehouse for a bank, back in January.  You know the drill, now get the job done.  

Oh, and some Vandy-dandy links:

• Dimon addresses those whiny Vandy fans who can't understand why VU football can't do what VU basketball does.  He also questions my loyalty.  Touche, Messr. Twolastnames.
• Vandy's official unofficial whatever blogger Justin Barca breaks down the SEC Tournament seeding and schedule.  Thankfully he doesn't go Joe Dean, Jr. on us and explain that 1 and 2 might meet in the championship if they win all their games.
• That John Jenkins fellow sure is swell, by golly.  Anchor of Gold likes him enough to grace him with an official nickname (Threesus - get out your Bibles, divinity students), one that I probably won't use because names are like labels, the Nazis made flair for the Jews to wear, and nobody puts Baby in a corner.  What?
• Our friend Eric at Dore Posts got him some new non-Blogger network digs, so you should check it out.

Enjoy the game Saturday, kiddos.

CATS SHOOT, CATS WIN

 

Darnell Dodson from behind the arc last night.

That really sums it up.  Dodson shot 50% behind the arc, everyone else shot it pretty well, and the Cats won going away.  A really good defensive effort certainly helped.  That Price guy was a pain in the ass and the white guy made some stupid threes, but victory was never in doubt once halftime came around.  Oh, and glad to see that Jon Hood got all that playing time after asking Cal to put him in more.  42 seconds is your reward, Hoodie.

The remainder of this post is going to be used to bitch about the SEC Network.  What's different about it compared to JP Sports, the uninformed might ask?  ESPN graphics and a shittier satellite, that's what.  Joe Dean, Jr. is still talking out of his ass.  Dave Neal is still competent at play-by-play.  But the actual broadcast is freaking terrible.  I missed almost the entire first half and had to watch some manufactured medical drama with castoffs from Gossip Girl and a ghost whisperer before basketball actually came on TV.  WAVE-3 tried to crawl an apology during the game itself, but it came across as "HOW DARE YOU CALL US TO COMPLAIN WHEN WE CAN'T BROADCAST SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING!  THE GALL!"  So in sum, go jump off a bridge, SEC Network.  You suck.

JIMMY DYKES CALLS A CHILI COOKOFF

 

THAT'S SMILE CONSISTENCY.

BRAD NESSLER: Hey, everyone, and welcome to this year's SEC Basketball Chili Cookoff in Music City, USA.  All the big chili fans are out in force here, and the big SEC chili cooks are ready to give them what they want.  I'm Brad Nessler alongside Jimmy Dykes, and we're ready for some chili action!

JIMMY DYKES: That's right, Brad, and it looks like they're going to get started right away!  Over here in this square area is Chef Kevin Stallings.  He likes to use a lot of chili powder and peppers for POWER, and that's where he gets his points.  I like to call that area the POWER HOT ZONE!  That's because he makes hot chili, and that's where his points come from when the judges score him!  POWER HOT ZONE, Brad.

BRAD:  Uh, thanks, Jimmy.  Up next, we've got Chef Rotnei Clark.

JIMMY: Yeah, Brad, I was watching Clark warm up his chili pot this morning to prepare for the cookoff.  One thing you'll notice about him is that in warming up and during competition he is very consistent with the number of beans he puts in his chili.  THAT'S BEAN CONSISTENCY, Brad.  He always uses the same amount of BEANS!  BEAN CONSISTENCY!!

BRAD: Sure thing, Jimmy.  Over at Table 12 there's Chef John "Chili" Calipari.  You've got some experience being in his shoes, don't you, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Well, I don't know if I'd call it that, Brad.  I'd never say I know what it's like to be Chili Calipari, but I did sleep on Adolph Rupp's couch once!

BRAD:  ...um, what?

JIMMY:  I slept on Adoph Rupp's couch once.

BRAD: /dead silence

JIMMY: It smelled like gym socks and WINNING, I'll tell you that much, Brad!

BRAD:.................Ooohhhhkay, moving on to our next contestant, Chef Ramon Harris.  He's struggled to impress the judges.

JIMMY: Yeah, I know Chef Harris is good at fending off other competitors, but really, Brad, the thing that limits him is that he's a NON-POURER.  He can shut down other chili chefs, but he just can't get the chili into the bowl when he gets the opportunity.  NON-POURER!!!

BRAD: Really, Jimmy?  Non-pourer?  You're trying to make that a catch phrase?

JIMMY: NON-POURER, Brad.  All the scouts are saying it.

BRAD: What scouts?  This is a chili cookoff.

JIMMY:  Oh there are scouts.  AND, I talk to them on a regular basis.  THAT'S TALK CONSISTENCY, Brad.

BRAD:  Seriously?  That's what you came up wi--WOAH, look at Chef Jodie Meeks go after that ground beef!  He's using that meat cleaver like it's a scalpel!

JIMMY:  He sure is, Brad!  Meeks is so good because when he gets a meat cleaver in his hands, he makes VIOLENT CUTS with the knife.  Those CUTS, they're so VIOLENT that no one can stop him!  VIOLENT CUTS!!!

BRAD:  Oh hell.